I'M GOING TO DIE (satire)
The events mentioned here happened in the year AD 2025.So there's no need of a disclaimer about persons living or dead.
On a fine December morning in 2025,I was preparing to start my fortnightly ritual of dyeing my hair.It was the 40th year of this practice,so you can easily guess my age at this point in time.The process
takes about an hour;so I was mixing the dye,watching TV news.The purpose
of dyeing in the morning was to youthanise (make younger),as there was a
wedding to attend that day.Suddenly,there was "BREAKING NEWS" as usual,with big font and a red background.
"HIGH COURT BANS THE USE OF HAIR DYES",the breaking news unfolded.The dish and the brush dropped from my hands.My heart beat faster."The Kerala
High Court has banned the manufacture,sale and use of hairdyes,because
scientific research has established that they are harmful to the health
of senior citizens.The order is issued with immediate effect.'
I was at a loss what to do.The use of the dye was illegal from that moment,and as a law-abiding citizen,I had to toe the line.But who was going to find what I was doing?So,with a heavy heart,I broke the law.As I
looked into the mirror and dyed,my age dropped like countdown seconds in
a Quiz contest,starting from 75,and dropping down to 40,settling with a mild shake.
Youthanising has some advantages.One day,when I was wandering through
Facebook like an "anatha pretham' (an unclaimed dead body),without any
likes,shares or comments,and nobody willing to chat with me,a beautiful
young lady's photo popped up,accompanied by a heavenly melody,that could
awake even the dead from the graves.
"Hai"
"Hai"
Pretty is typing.....
Hai,Chetta how's life?
Very nice.What about you?
Everything going very well.
Very thrilled to meet you.
Me too.
It's a great surprise.
What surprise?
To meet you unexpectedly.
No surprise. I was looking for you.
But I was dumbfounded.
Enne Ishtamayo? (Do you like me)?
Why ask? A million times.Enne ishtamayo? (Do you like me?)
Pinnallathe (definitely)
What impressed you about me?
Your thick black hair and moustache.
I was so stunned that I gasped for breath.I couldn't even type any more!
The news of the ban of hair dyes spread like wildfire,and about 250 Mala-yalam channels,which had mushroomed like the Communist 'Pacha'(weed) of the last century,started panel discussions,debates,sms campaigns,phone-ins etc etc.Senior citizens,doctors,hair-stylists,politicians,scientists
etc enthusiastically took part.
Very soon,the government started implementing the law.Otherwise,it would
amount to comtempt of court.Drug abuse and drug trafficking were no longer news in the world,because drugs were legalised in 2018.People got
fed up with drugs because there was no thrill (haram) in using drugs legally.The price of heroine dropped so low that it was available for 1
dollar per kg.
There were some redundant police personnel and police dogs,after the legalisation of drugs,and they were given fresh training and redeployed
to combat the use of hair dyes.The dogs were trained to sniff dyes at public
places like airports,railway stations,bus stations etc.
Slowly the country came of age,with a large section of the population displaying their true colours,silver white,grey etc.I continued breaking the
law because I had hoarded a variety of dyes,enough to last for a year.
General Stores,beauty parlours and barbershops were occasionally raided by
Special Anti-dye Squads (SAS),dyes were seized,suspicios-looking individuals'
hair was tested on the spot,and offenders were fined.
One day,I was travelling from Kottayam to Trivandrum by train.At Thiruvalla,the SAS boarded the train.There were police of both sexes,accompanied by a fierce black dog.The dog sniffed around. My heart nearly stopped.The dog began to growl and snarled its teeth.In the next moment,he barked and was on my seat,bit my hair,and dragged me out of my seat.
"Perhaps this young old man is a fake poovalan who teases the ladies on
trains",a lady officer commented.
I was arrested and fined Rs 5000-00 on the spot.The government of the day was so bankrupt that it taxed and fined the common people for the silliest
of reasons,such as laughing aloud in a public place.(Rs 500-00)The fines were
intended to find money to pay the mammoth civil service,which consisted of about 20% of the population.
Some of the disgruntled senior citizens shaved their heads,and wore hats to hide their shame.
But we were determined to fight for our rights.We hired an eminent lawyer
of the Supreme Court,Mr Narimanwallah,to file a petition in the High Court.
Narimanwallah's investigations unearthed a vital evidence in our favour.Dr Varkey,Scientific Advisor to the Government of Kerala,had purchased his PhD
from the pavement somewhere in Europe,for 1000 US Dollars.He had mastermind-ed the Anti-dye Bill.He had been politically appointed to placate a splinter
party in the ruling coalition.There was another angle to the case;Mrs Varkey
was the authorized importer of hats in Kerala,which she used to sell to senior citizens at 10% discount.
A full bench of the Honourable High Court of Kerala declared the ban on dyes
unconstitutional,and recommended the summary dismissal of Mr Varkey from his post.
I celebrated that historic day alone at my flat at Kanjikuzhy,Kottayam.I was
suffering from severe flu and throat infection.I had lost my vioce,and I could hear nothing.Leelamma was in Bangalore.Due to my inability to talk,we
comminicated via SMS.In the morning,she smsed,
" what's the programme for today?"
" I'm going to die.Today is the ideal day for it."
At that moment,I didn't realise that things were going wrong terribly.The chain of events that were triggered by a spelling error were narrated to me
later by a friend.It went like this:
Reading the sms,Leelamma collapsed.Others who saw the sms were panic-stricken,and swung into action.The news of an old man about to commit suicide
at Kottayam,spread like wildfire,and the 250 Malayalam channels vied among
themselves to catch a comfortable view of the fourth floor of Skyline Orchid 2 Apts,hitherto unknown and dwarfed by imposing skyscrapers nearby.Breaking News:Old man about to commit suicide." I had switched off the Tv long before
the fiasco.TV crews and curious onlookers,who were eager to see a suicide "live" flocked to the area,causing a severe traffic jam.
Some channels spread wild stories about me,such as bankruptcy and ill health
had forced me to take the hard decision to end my life,whereas I used to donate thousands of rupees to charities monthly,due to spare funds.
The firemen knocked at the door.There was no response.They broke the door and rushed in.They were quite surprised to see me alive.They showed me the
sms that set off the dramatic events.I wrote down the circumstances of the
spelling error.I had developed cataract,and could hardly see the letters on the small cell phone.I apologised,and they accepted it and happily went their way.
The Tv crews fled.Hundreds of 'alavalthikal'(scoundrels) who had gathered below,armed with their cell phones to record a suicide 'live',dispersed quickly,like "Andy kalanja annanmare pole'(like squirrels who dropped their
nuts).
I laughed at their folly,and my throat cleared.
The events mentioned here happened in the year AD 2025.So there's no need of a disclaimer about persons living or dead.
On a fine December morning in 2025,I was preparing to start my fortnightly ritual of dyeing my hair.It was the 40th year of this practice,so you can easily guess my age at this point in time.The process
takes about an hour;so I was mixing the dye,watching TV news.The purpose
of dyeing in the morning was to youthanise (make younger),as there was a
wedding to attend that day.Suddenly,there was "BREAKING NEWS" as usual,with big font and a red background.
"HIGH COURT BANS THE USE OF HAIR DYES",the breaking news unfolded.The dish and the brush dropped from my hands.My heart beat faster."The Kerala
High Court has banned the manufacture,sale and use of hairdyes,because
scientific research has established that they are harmful to the health
of senior citizens.The order is issued with immediate effect.'
I was at a loss what to do.The use of the dye was illegal from that moment,and as a law-abiding citizen,I had to toe the line.But who was going to find what I was doing?So,with a heavy heart,I broke the law.As I
looked into the mirror and dyed,my age dropped like countdown seconds in
a Quiz contest,starting from 75,and dropping down to 40,settling with a mild shake.
Youthanising has some advantages.One day,when I was wandering through
Facebook like an "anatha pretham' (an unclaimed dead body),without any
likes,shares or comments,and nobody willing to chat with me,a beautiful
young lady's photo popped up,accompanied by a heavenly melody,that could
awake even the dead from the graves.
"Hai"
"Hai"
Pretty is typing.....
Hai,Chetta how's life?
Very nice.What about you?
Everything going very well.
Very thrilled to meet you.
Me too.
It's a great surprise.
What surprise?
To meet you unexpectedly.
No surprise. I was looking for you.
But I was dumbfounded.
Enne Ishtamayo? (Do you like me)?
Why ask? A million times.Enne ishtamayo? (Do you like me?)
Pinnallathe (definitely)
What impressed you about me?
Your thick black hair and moustache.
I was so stunned that I gasped for breath.I couldn't even type any more!
The news of the ban of hair dyes spread like wildfire,and about 250 Mala-yalam channels,which had mushroomed like the Communist 'Pacha'(weed) of the last century,started panel discussions,debates,sms campaigns,phone-ins etc etc.Senior citizens,doctors,hair-stylists,politicians,scientists
etc enthusiastically took part.
Very soon,the government started implementing the law.Otherwise,it would
amount to comtempt of court.Drug abuse and drug trafficking were no longer news in the world,because drugs were legalised in 2018.People got
fed up with drugs because there was no thrill (haram) in using drugs legally.The price of heroine dropped so low that it was available for 1
dollar per kg.
There were some redundant police personnel and police dogs,after the legalisation of drugs,and they were given fresh training and redeployed
to combat the use of hair dyes.The dogs were trained to sniff dyes at public
places like airports,railway stations,bus stations etc.
Slowly the country came of age,with a large section of the population displaying their true colours,silver white,grey etc.I continued breaking the
law because I had hoarded a variety of dyes,enough to last for a year.
General Stores,beauty parlours and barbershops were occasionally raided by
Special Anti-dye Squads (SAS),dyes were seized,suspicios-looking individuals'
hair was tested on the spot,and offenders were fined.
One day,I was travelling from Kottayam to Trivandrum by train.At Thiruvalla,the SAS boarded the train.There were police of both sexes,accompanied by a fierce black dog.The dog sniffed around. My heart nearly stopped.The dog began to growl and snarled its teeth.In the next moment,he barked and was on my seat,bit my hair,and dragged me out of my seat.
"Perhaps this young old man is a fake poovalan who teases the ladies on
trains",a lady officer commented.
I was arrested and fined Rs 5000-00 on the spot.The government of the day was so bankrupt that it taxed and fined the common people for the silliest
of reasons,such as laughing aloud in a public place.(Rs 500-00)The fines were
intended to find money to pay the mammoth civil service,which consisted of about 20% of the population.
Some of the disgruntled senior citizens shaved their heads,and wore hats to hide their shame.
But we were determined to fight for our rights.We hired an eminent lawyer
of the Supreme Court,Mr Narimanwallah,to file a petition in the High Court.
Narimanwallah's investigations unearthed a vital evidence in our favour.Dr Varkey,Scientific Advisor to the Government of Kerala,had purchased his PhD
from the pavement somewhere in Europe,for 1000 US Dollars.He had mastermind-ed the Anti-dye Bill.He had been politically appointed to placate a splinter
party in the ruling coalition.There was another angle to the case;Mrs Varkey
was the authorized importer of hats in Kerala,which she used to sell to senior citizens at 10% discount.
A full bench of the Honourable High Court of Kerala declared the ban on dyes
unconstitutional,and recommended the summary dismissal of Mr Varkey from his post.
I celebrated that historic day alone at my flat at Kanjikuzhy,Kottayam.I was
suffering from severe flu and throat infection.I had lost my vioce,and I could hear nothing.Leelamma was in Bangalore.Due to my inability to talk,we
comminicated via SMS.In the morning,she smsed,
" what's the programme for today?"
" I'm going to die.Today is the ideal day for it."
At that moment,I didn't realise that things were going wrong terribly.The chain of events that were triggered by a spelling error were narrated to me
later by a friend.It went like this:
Reading the sms,Leelamma collapsed.Others who saw the sms were panic-stricken,and swung into action.The news of an old man about to commit suicide
at Kottayam,spread like wildfire,and the 250 Malayalam channels vied among
themselves to catch a comfortable view of the fourth floor of Skyline Orchid 2 Apts,hitherto unknown and dwarfed by imposing skyscrapers nearby.Breaking News:Old man about to commit suicide." I had switched off the Tv long before
the fiasco.TV crews and curious onlookers,who were eager to see a suicide "live" flocked to the area,causing a severe traffic jam.
Some channels spread wild stories about me,such as bankruptcy and ill health
had forced me to take the hard decision to end my life,whereas I used to donate thousands of rupees to charities monthly,due to spare funds.
The firemen knocked at the door.There was no response.They broke the door and rushed in.They were quite surprised to see me alive.They showed me the
sms that set off the dramatic events.I wrote down the circumstances of the
spelling error.I had developed cataract,and could hardly see the letters on the small cell phone.I apologised,and they accepted it and happily went their way.
The Tv crews fled.Hundreds of 'alavalthikal'(scoundrels) who had gathered below,armed with their cell phones to record a suicide 'live',dispersed quickly,like "Andy kalanja annanmare pole'(like squirrels who dropped their
nuts).
I laughed at their folly,and my throat cleared.
I too laughed and cleared my throat
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